April 4th, 2006 by Scott Gold
Now folks, I’m not saying explicitly that subsisting on a raw vegan diet (double blech!) will actually turn you into a raging pervert who exposes his genetalia on the subway, but you know…
Actually, the most fascinating part about this article is the description of, I kid you not, “breatharianism,” the mind-blowingly idiotic concept that people don’t actually need food to live, and can just get all their nutrients from the air. To wit:
From 1995 until October 2004, Jubb says, he subsisted almost entirely on one cup of herbal tea (with honey) per day. The rest of his nutritional needs were produced by “intestinal flora and friendly yeast”—plus his own urine, which he drinks two or three times a day. “It tastes a bit like seawater,” Jubb says of his drink, which he pronounces “you-Rhine,” like the river. “It can be a little foreign, but eventually it gets to the point where it’s quite enjoyable.”
How, you wonder, are these people not naturally selected out of the reproductive pool by, say, dying of starvation? The very simple and hilarious explanation:
Breatharianism was discredited as a hoax in the eighties, after the leader of the Breatharian Institute of America, Wiley Brooks, was discovered gobbling chicken potpies when he thought nobody was looking. Brooks blamed air pollution for the slipup.
Chicken potpies! Ha! And yes, of course pollution was the inciting factor there. Everyone who knows anything realizes that chloroflourocarbons and smog and methane in the atmosphere are inextricably linked to clandestine potpie binges. Isn’t that, like, the first thing we learn in fifth grade Earth science? Sheesh.